Manna from Heaven

Six months.  

That's about how long it has been since I wrote my last post.  In the beginning, I was too busy and exhausted to get down to the computer to write.  After a time, however, I just didn't know what to say.  

Every so often, I even contemplated deleting the last post because I couldn't imagine how I would build onto it from there.  I didn't, though, because deleting the post would invalidate the emotions I felt then, and those emotions were very real.  Deleting the post would erase a moment that happened, a joyful memory, regardless of the sad events that occurred later.  

I won't tell the details of what happened.  Even though I don't anticipate that either of the kids will ever read this, I need to protect their privacy and their feelings.  

Things didn't turn out the way we had hoped and planned.  I don't blame anyone, even myself, though that took some time.  It's just the way it is.  In short, we are now a family of 4.  The bright little girl from our first meeting is living with, and is going to be adopted by, the foster family where she thrived before the placement was made.  I heard her on the phone not long ago, and was so glad to hear that she sounded happy and healthy.  The enthusiastic 12-year-old boy still lives with us, and soon he will be a teenager!  The challenges are many.  They are undeniable.  But the memory of that first meeting, and the swell of love I felt for both of the children, they were real, too.  

We're in a new place now, a place where we need to trust God to meet our needs each and every day.  Like the manna from heaven that couldn't be kept from one day to the next, we rely on God for our daily bread, and we try not to worry about what tomorrow will bring.  I pray every morning for God to give us enough for today, and He does!  

Every day, He does.  Like manna from heaven.

What It's Like

Let me tell you what it's like when you meet your children for the first time.

If you've ever held your newborn baby in your arms, you remember the way that your eyes fill up:  Maybe just the prick of a tear, or maybe you let loose in a flood of emotion.

When your children are 10 and 12 years old when you meet them, it's exactly like that.  Only different.

When you meet your 10 and 12 year old children for the first time, you've probably already seen a picture.  So you already know they are a couple of adorable kids.  You've probably already talked to their social workers, teachers, foster parents, and other people who know them well.  So you already know that they are resilient, lovable, and one-of-a-kind (times 2!).

You're excited.  It feels so strange, knowing that in 5 minutes you will become a mom again, and that for the rest of your life you will have two more lives to guide and love unconditionally.  You're so nervous that your stomach is tied up in crazy twisted-up knots.  You know you'll love them (you already do), but what if they're not as happy to see you?

You pray.  The knots loosen a little.  You're relieved to remember that others are praying, too.

Then you spot them for the first time.  Maybe they're outside tossing a football around.  A beautiful blond pixie of a girl and a brown-haired boy with a smile that reaches all the way to his eyes.  You gasp and say to your husband, "They are so cute."

The tears prick your eyes: Yes, it's exactly the same.  I'm their mom, you think.  They're my kids forever, you think.

The car stops and you can't wait to get out.  On the way here, so many thoughts raced through your head.  Do we refer to ourselves as Mom & Dad right away?  Do we hug them when we meet them?  At the end of the visit?  Do we just wait?  What will we say?

But unlike that precious newborn with the scrunched-up forehead and the bleary eyes, your 10 and 12-year-old children can already smile at you.  And they do, and it lights up their whole faces.  You are utterly captivated.  Your children can already reach for you, and they do, and hugging them is the most natural thing in the world.

So what's it like when you meet your children for the first time?  It doesn't matter if they are a newborn with a button nose and pink cheeks, or a pair of preteens looking up at you with hope shining in their eyes: You are caught off guard by the awesome responsibility that is yours.  And you just love them.

Six Word Memoir: June 1st, 2011, 10:13 am

Chosen!!! And our lives changed forever.

All in a Good Day's Nap

Special thanks to Dawn for the wonderful plants, and Maisy for taking such a nice long snooze!

"................................"

Alternatively titled:  Why I Haven't Been Blogging

When I was pregnant with Maisy and in my first trimester, I wanted to tell the entire world my awesome news. But I held back. I was worried that something would happen – because things do happen :( – and I was afraid of the possibility of having to backtrack and tell sad news too. Then, the first trimester was over, and I crossed that imaginary line from “be-careful-what-you-share” to “now-you-can-tell-whoever-you-want”. 

 Suddenly, aside from my close friends and family who basically already knew, I didn't know what to say! Or how to say it! Or when to say it! In fact, I didn't tell many of my co-workers or any of my middle school students until long after I'd been wearing maternity clothes to work. It's not that I'm shy, and certainly not that I don't like attention (I admittedly do). I just. Didn't. Know. What. To Say.

That's my introduction.

By the way, I am not pregnant again.

Also by the way, I have a different kind of news. I've typed at least 3 blog entries about it that I've never posted. My blog has been mainly silent because this is what I've wanted to write about, but haven't been able to spit out.

Okay, enough suspense!

My husband and I are planning to adopt.

In some ways we're out of the metaphorical “first trimester.” We have a completed home study (yay!). We're going through the matching process. In other ways, we're still there.  We don't know if or how or when our next child (or children) will come home. It's exciting, but confusing. In some ways it's private, yet in other ways not. For instance, we want our friends and family to have time to adjust, too, before we say “oh by the way, we're adopting, and Child 1 and Child 2 are coming home next weekend!”

I know that since we have a 15-month-old daughter, many of you may be thinking we are adopting an infant, or perhaps a toddler from another country. And undoubtedly babies and toddlers from other places need good stable homes, too. However, we feel steered in another direction.

We want to adopt one or two older children from right here in Minnesota. Because they need families, too. Because there are plenty of great kids who live in this great state who have no idea when – or if – they will have a permanent home and a forever family.

We've tried our best to do our homework. We've gone to trainings and parent groups, read books and watched videos. We pray a lot.  We've talked with friends, families, and people who have “been there.” So we know that the children waiting for adoption in Minnesota have been through varying degrees of really hard times.  We know that their tough times mean that we will also have some tough times as a family – growing pains, time for us all to adjust, and so on - but we're going for it.  We believe God will be with us every step of the way - and our good friends and family members will, too.  We believe in moments of joy and healing.  We believe in the family we will become.

So how do I wrap this up? I could tell you that we have a meeting in about a week which will either take us much closer, or back to square one. (Which is true.) I could ask you to pray. (Please do.) I could request that you refrain from cautionary statements. (Remember, we're doing our best to prepare.) Or, I could just say...

The End

(And The Beginning!)

Surrender - A Baby Shower Devotional

On Sunday, I attended a baby shower for a mom-to-be at my church.  I was asked to give a short devotion during the shower.  I'd never done it before, but I said yes.  After all, the church had thrown a beautiful shower for me only about a year earlier.  Here's essentially what I said:

When I was asked to give a short devotional for the baby shower today, I agreed. I agreed for two reasons – First of all, I didn't consider that preparing a devotion for a group of adults is a little different than preparing a Bible story and craft for kindergartners.  I'm used to sitting in a circle on the floor, everybody on a different color or letter.  Standing up in front of adults is a little different, so don't be surprised if I pass around construction paper and Goldfish crackers before I'm through.

Second, I reasoned that I could just turn to my trusty friend Google – like I do so often – and find just the right thing to share today. When I sat down to my computer last week to do just that, I soon realized I was not going to find any messages there. Google does not have wisdom to share with you today. What I should have thought, and admittedly did not at first, is that God – not Google - would provide me with the words to say today.

When I began seeking out God's words from the Word of God instead of through the words of others, it quickly became clear what I should share today.

I attend a MOPS group every other Wednesday, and this week our speaker, whose name I don't recall, had a message that applied very clearly and directly to me and my life. It was a message of trust, of relinquishing control, and of surrender. Too often we as women and mothers (and fathers too) work so hard to keep things under control instead of relying on God.

Now, I've only been a mom for 15 months, so I'm no expert, but I can already tell you that there are a lot of things that are just plain out of my control. It started with childbirth [here's where I assured Mom-to-be that hers would go GREAT :)] Then came nights of disjointed sleep. Bouts of inconsolable tears. So much amazing joy and love, too, but accompanied by so many questions: Am I holding her too much? Talking to her enough? Is she somehow nursing too much?  (If you saw Maisy as an infant, you know by her chubby little cheeks that she didn't nurse too little).  Why hasn't she rolled over yet? Is she teething? Wait, that one's easy – she's always teething.  Not too long ago, Maisy started waking up in the middle of the night crying again, and I wondered, “If I go to her now, will she EVER sleep through the night again??”

Now, quite suddenly, my baby is a toddler. She has opinions. Curiosity. Temper tantrums. And I'm entering uncharted territory again. I love being a mom, and soon you too will experience a different kind of love than you could ever have imagined. But I don't have all the answers, though I sometimes think I can find them on my own. My doctor doesn't have all the answers. My mom doesn't have all the answers. And certainly Google doesn't have all the answers. So what can we possibly do, but turn to God?

It starts with Genesis 1:1 -

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Then Isaiah 40:28-29 says

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

God is our creator. If He can make the earth to tilt at just the right angle to support life, then what can't He do?

Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

He created us, and he created your beautiful child to come.

Psalm 139:16 says:

your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

We can trust God with our lives and our childrens' lives, with every day, with every night (no matter how long). Sometimes that's easy, and we pray and pray and pray without ceasing. Other times we maybe think we have it under control – read the right parenting manual, provide the right toys, take your child to the right doctor at the right times. But we need to remember that God wants us to surrender to him, to trust in him and not our own understanding.

So when that tiny hand wraps around your finger [here's where I teared up a little bit], and you feel that wash of incredible joy and love and responsibility, it's such amazing relief to know that God is God, and we are all his children.

I'll end with Isaiah 40:11, because it's such a beautiful image of how God cares for us.

Isaiah 40:11

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

The Yucky Stuff: A Poem

"I broke the rules" since I didn't understand the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop rules.  Next time I'll get it right, but for now, I like the ridiculousness I wrote below.  I found the idea for this poem at Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop by clicking the "Inspiration" button before I realized it wasn't one of the prompts of the week. When I clicked again, the prompt disappeared, and 79 clicks later I still couldn't find it.  The prompt went something like this: "Think of a task you'd like someone to do for you.  Write them a poem about it."  

So, here's my poem, dedicated to my husband, who frequently is asked to do...

The Yucky Stuff

I vacuumed, swept, and washed the clothes.

Changed diapers all day,

Wiped Baby's nose.

I baked some bread, tutored a client,

Went for a stroll,

Played fetch at Bryant.

Oh please, oh please, my only wish,

Empty out the dirty dish

That got pushed to the back

Of the shelf below

Forgotten for weeks

In our fridge to grow

- who knows what?

I haven't seen...

Whatever's inside

Oh won't you clean?

The yucky stuff,

The yucky stuff,

I'd like you to do the yucky stuff.

I loaded the dishes, fixed Baby's lunch,

Folded laundry,

Played ball a bunch.

Filled the sippy, read some books,

Tucked Baby in

With loving looks.

Oh please, oh please, if I may ask,

Please take out the diaper trash.

It's filled to the brim

With stinky poo.

I should have emptied it,

Please won't you?

If Baby could speak

I know she'd say,

"It should have gone out

Yesterday."

The yucky stuff,

The yucky stuff,

Won't you take care of the yucky stuff?

I'll pick up the toys,

Make the bed,

Put pretty bows

On Baby's head.

I'll buy the groceries,

Clean the mirrors

Make doctor's appointments

For Baby's ears.

But dog doo?

You!

Spiders, too.

And don't forget

The mystery goo.

Yes, yucky stuff,

The yucky stuff.

Please always do the yucky stuff.

Where's Maisy?

Maisy's been here...

And here...

And here...

DEFINITELY here...

Here too...

Hurricane Maisy!

Maisy's First Kiss

Who would guess we would pick Maisy up from the church nursery tonight and hear about her first kiss???  Not even 14 months old yet!

His name is Joel.  He looks like he's about 3 years old (an older boy!), but I can't be sure since Maisy didn't introduce us to him.

The nursery volunteers say it happened something like this:

Joel and Maisy were playing near each other, when Joel (struck by Maisy's sweetness, I'm sure) puckered up for a kiss.  Maisy spotted her opportunity, puckered up right back, and SMOOCH!  Right on the lips! Apparently, Joel was very excited about his big moment and even did a little dance.

Maisy's reaction?  I'm not sure, but I do know that she only had eyes for mama when I came to pick her up.

Friday Faves: Read-Aloud Favorites

Anyone who knows me knows that this picture of Maisy (snapped just this afternoon) is no accident: Like Mommy like Baby.  Or should I say, "Mommy like, baby like."  I love books - and I especially love a great kids' book!

Here are some of Maisy and Mommy's current read-aloud favorites:

Read-Aloud Pick #1:
Blue Sea
By Robert Kalan
Illustrated by Donald Crews

I originally checked this book out of the library to read with a current young client of mine who is an emergent reader.  When I decided to read it to Maisy, however, she was immediately captivated by the bold illustrations and simple, repetitive phrases.  Maisy bounces with excitement when we open the pages of this book, and she's ready to flip back to the beginning as soon as its finished.

Young ones like Maisy will love the bright pictures.  Older children will enjoy the storyline and predictable prose, and learn about "big, bigger, and biggest" at the same time.




Read-Aloud Pick #2:
Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear?
By Nancy White Carlstrom

"Jesse Bear, What will you wear, what will you wear in the morning?"

This adorable preschool classic is a prime example of "mommy like, baby like."  I love this sweet book with its happy pictures and song-like rhymes.  After just a couple of attempts, now Maisy reaches for it too!  Jesse Bear takes us through his whole day, from wearing his red shirt in the morning to wearing the moon on his bed at night.  

Don't think your little one is ready to sit still through a whole storybook?  You won't know until you try!

Read-Aloud Pick #3:  

Baby Talk
By Dawn Sirett

"Peek-a-boo!" "Yum-yum!" "Night-night!"

This has been one of Maisy's favorite books for the longest time!  In fact, I had to check to see if I'd blogged about this awesome board book before.  Big baby faces!  Cute baby words! Giant baby lift-the-flaps!  Given a choice, Maisy picks this book almost every time.  If she accidentally skips a page or a flap, Maisy actually notices and goes back to read what she missed.

This book is great to read-aloud, but equally fun for Baby to flip through on her own.  

Maisy's Haircare Secrets

Step 1:  It's important to select just the right brush.

Step 2:  It works best if you dampen it a little before using.

Step 3:  Hand it to your stylist.  If your mom is a ponytail professional, all the better for you!

Step 4:  Smile!  You're a star!

Memories to Keep

Maisy is 13 and a half months old now - is it possible that the second year can go faster than the first?  It seems like it.  I know that the first 6 weeks of Maisy's second year of life has disappeared much more quickly than the same weeks last year.

When I think back to those weeks, I can remember waking up many times each night, and the feeling of victory I felt if she made it three hours between feedings instead of two, four hours instead of three.  The week she began sleeping until 4 am was monumental!  Now she's drinking whole milk from a sippy cup, and the rare nights that she wakes up in the middle feel in some ways harder... I think.  :)  

I remember thinking she slept ALL DAY LONG - and she pretty much did!  Now I cross my fingers that Maisy will take two naps in a day, or at least one long afternoon nap so I can clear away the clutter for round two.

I remember her sweet newborn noises and the adorable kissy face she used to make unconsciously.  Now she's trying out new sounds and words nearly every day, and her breathless "hi hi hiiii" is a greeting I will always treasure.  Her "kissy face" has been replaced by real kisses, with a big upper-lip-to-the-bottom-of-her-nose pucker up that is irresistible.

Our family will grow again someday, maybe soon.  Judging from my mother-of-4 sister's blog, my cluttered house will get clutterier and my mornings will become hectic.  The days will fly by one faster than the other, yet there will always be memories to keep (even if there is seemingly no time or place to keep them).

I love being a mom, even when I'm greeted at 4:45 am with a poopy diaper, a diaper rash, and a rarin'-to-go 1-year-old.  When she's proud of her first crayon scribbles, taking those first few steps into my open arms, or crawling toward me all puckered up for a kiss and a snuggle, it's worth every blowout she ever had.

And that's a whole lot.

"BA!"

Two of Maisy's favorite words are book and ball.  Whenever she sees one, she expresses herself with one-year-old enthusiasm: "Ba! BA BA BA!"

The giant red concrete balls outside the Target entrance are greeted with "Ba!"

She points at a book on her nursery table: "BA!"

The shining display of oranges at the grocery store earn a frantic "BA BA BA BA BA!!!"

One of my favorite "ba" experiences so far, though, happened Wednesday night.  We got home late from Awana, and Maisy was waaaay overtired.  Attempting to lay her down or even soothe her led to screaming, crying, writhing, and general exhaustion-induced tantrumming.

Rick and I tried the usual tricks - rocking (yeah, right!), reading a bedtime story (just led to sobbing "BAs" whenever we put a book down), checking the diaper, pacing the living room floor, singing, putting on music, just plain leave-the-room distraction - on and on for at least an hour.  

Finally, as I rocked her in the chair in her nursery, she spotted an orange plastic basketball that had rolled under her dresser.  She pointed.  "Ba!!!!!"

So, like any desperate parent, I picked up the toy ball, placed it in Maisy's chubby baby hands, wrapped her up in her blanket, and tucked her in.  When I left the room, Maisy was clutching the hard plastic ball to her chest like any other baby might hold a teddy bear.  

Then, sweet relief.  Maisy drifted off to sleep, to dream of basketballs, exercise balls, ball poppers, and bright displays of grocery store oranges.

"Ba!"

Happy First

I remember holding her for the first time, and how her tiny, perfect features erased all of the chaos and pain and fear of the hours before.  She was just right - pink and crying and beautiful.  My sweet baby.

The first night in that dim hospital room, Rick and I hardly slept.  Every hiccup, every sigh, every whimper was cause to shift and stare, stand and hold our precious girl.

My mom helped me with her first bath at home, a sponge bath on our kitchen table.  We assembled everything - towels, washcloths, baby wash, lotion, diaper, clothes.  I was so careful.  The temperature of the water was triple-checked, each tiny finger given individual attention, her head kept covered and warm as soon as it had been washed.

So many firsts have followed.  The first time we brought her to church.  The first night she slept in her crib.  Her first taste of solid food, first tooth, first walk to the park, first word, first pair of baby jeans, first dip in the lake, first babysitter, first ear infection, first snow, first Christmas, first birthday cake...

I think there must be something special about the first-year firsts.  A year ago this very night, we drove slowly home through dark snowy streets.  We slid her tiny arms into the sleeves of a big yellow blanket sleeper and laid her down to sleep in a bassinet that made her look so very small (and she was!).  First night in her first home.

And here we are: the first year is over.  Maisy is one.  Our little sweetheart is pointing at everything in sight, flipping madly through the pages of books, saying "dada" when she hears the garage door open, voicing her disapproval at being removed from the dog's water dish, bringing a spoon to the same lips that used to make the "kissy face" that we so loved.

I'm not sad, though.  How can I be sad when I think of all the firsts and seconds and thirds yet to come in Maisy's life?  She's growing.  Transforming.  Becoming more independent and vibrant with each passing day.  I'm blessed to be her mommy, to be given this precious baby-girl life with all its incredible, every day firsts.

Happy First, My Maisy.

Love,
Mommy