Challenge Day 4: The Enemy of Peace

What would you say is the enemy of peace? I thought about this as I prepared for Day 4 of the Keep-Your-Cool Challenge.

Busy, for sure. Too many activities, too many reasons to bundle kids up and buckle kids in. And the more I have to rush, to bundle, to buckle, the less peace I feel within. And that frustration tolerance thermometer I talked about on Day 2? I jump from green to yellow to orange and sometimes red so quickly.  Normal dawdling (and incredible Maisy dawdling), and last-minute dirty diapers, and realizing I haven't let the dog out yet - when all mixed up with the "to-do list" spinning around in the back of my head - these minor events can become a big deal. Busy is an enemy of peace.

Screens.  TVs, smart phones, laptops, tablets.  Even the radio, screen-less though it may be.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm so easily distracted by my phone.  I'll check for missed calls or texts, or quickly check my email, as if a message could be so important that it can't wait for me to refill my daughter's milk cup first.  If my kids are both napping, I'll flip on the TV and have it on as background noise as I wash dishes or do homework or prepare for ELL or whatever.  What is so wrong with quiet?  

But I do it all the time.  (I do try to keep the TV off when my kids are up and wandering around, in large part because my little girl is magnetically attracted to TV, so if it's on, whatever the show, she's glued.  That's a whole other story though.)  I've been really working on keeping my smartphone somewhere out of sight when I'm spending time with my kiddos.  It's a work in progress.  But what about when they're asleep?  I wonder what I'm missing out on by keeping my eyes and ears filled with meaningless background noise during times that could be filled with quiet, with more peace.  A still, small voice...?

32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered,each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:32-33

Day 4: Pray for Peace

Day 4: "Am I too busy?"  
The answer to this is easy: I know I am.  It's nothing to be proud of, although our society seems to hold "busy-ness" in high regard. I'm trying to be more careful before I add activities these days, whether for myself or my kids.  There are so many fun and worthwhile kids activities, but we can't and shouldn't do all of them.  Is there something else I can eliminate from our schedule?  Or something I should be careful NOT to add?

Day 4: Unplug
Confession: I had Twin Cities Live on my TV in the background while I was typing about screens being the enemy of peace.  Ha!  Point made.  I've turned it off now.  Check!  I've hidden my smartphone from sight most of the morning.  Check!  I'm not saying to go extreme and go completely electronics-free here (but feel free to try, and let me know how it goes.)  But maybe just pick one time of day to choose quiet over background noise, focus over smartphone distraction.

Maisyism of the Day:
Maisy wanted to wear a new headband she got from her grandma today.  After I put it on, she said, "No Mama, pull it down onto my forehead.  I want to look like one of Jesus' disciples."  Here she is!  What Jesus' disciples might have looked like wearing lime green:

24 

“‘“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 

the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 

the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’  

Numbers 6:24-26

PEACE.

KYC Challenge Day 3: A little post about JOY

I was reminded this morning that 3 is 3.  My goal today was to focus on joy - always patience, too, of course - but joy was my aim.  So I'd prayed about it this morning.  I'd been thinking about it as I went through the motions of the day.  I made attempts to notice the things about my children that bring my joy: Maisy padding across the living room with her tousled hair, grinning at me in her nightgown, clutching her "snugglers", fresh from her night's sleep.  Tucker concentrating deeply on balancing a pink tin toy plate on top of the dusty bottom of the angel food cake pan he had dragged out of a cabinet.  Joy in my children, in the little everyday things.

I kept my cool all morning!  After all, this is Day 3.  I can still do this.  Yet when it came time for Maisy to pull on her shoes and coat for preschool, she had a total meltdown!  One of those no-apparent-reason-for-tears, runny nose, raised voice tantrums that can set me off, especially (as in today) when we are running late.  But I remained calm - yay!

Then - oh, the injustice - as I buckled Maisy into her car seat, she accused me of being mean to her this morning.  What?!  At first, I verbally disagreed, as if telling her that "no, I wasn't mean" was going to have any kind of effect on her 3-year-old state of mind.  As if she would stop and say "You're right, Mommy, actually you've been quite nice in spite of my crabbiness."  ;)  Luckily, I quickly realized the road I was going down, and I stopped myself.  (I don't always manage this.)  I turned off the radio and put on a CD she likes, and within 2 minutes, she was giggling at a song and telling me I was a funny mommy.  Oh, three!

It's a reminder of why I'm doing this though: Not to change HER behavior necessarily (though that would be a nice side effect), but to change my own behavior.  A 3-year-old's emotions are clearly out of my control, but I can try to control my own.

So here we are, Day 3, and today is all about Joy, regardless!

Joy. Joy instead of anger sounds pretty good, right?  One of the fruits of the Spirit is JOY.  Not happiness.  Happiness is like ice cream.  It's delicious, but it lasts only until it's been eaten or it melts.  In my house, it melts when we've busted out the ice cream prematurely thinking both kids are asleep.  So we're celebrating this one hour of shared freedom in our day, and then Tucker starts bawling, or Maisy tiptoes into the room and peeks over the edge of the couch.  I want you to know that we eat the ice cream anyway, even after it has melted.  Because we believe in happiness.

But JOY.  Joy comes straight from the Lord.  (Well, so does ice cream.)

Psalm 5:11

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you

I love this verse.  So many promises!  We can take refuge in the Lord, sing for joy, and God will spread his protection over us.  We can rejoice in Him!

Day 3: Start with Praise... and Pray for Joy Today

Day 3: Rediscover Joy in my Children
What about my children brings me joy?  Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day that I don't see it.  It was easier for me when they were tiny, warm little bundles, brand new life, straight from God and into my arms.  When my babies were literally curled up next to my heart, joy was inevitable.  Diaper blowouts were inevitable too, the really messy kind, and some pretty sleep-deprived nights, but I'll never forget the joy of holding my newborn babies.

It's different now, the joy stuff, but still there.  I just forget to notice sometimes.

So today I'm going to look for it and maybe even write it down, the joy my children bring me, so that I can see the good in them today.  I think if I'm looking for the joy, it's going to be easier to overlook some of the other stuff.  I could even write it down on a special note, and read it to Maisy, a reason she brings me joy.

Day 3: Laugh
I saw this video on Facebook yesterday and laughed out loud.  I think it fits well here.  I hope it makes you laugh too:

Keep-Your-Cool Challenge Day 2: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Yesterday was Day 1 in my 30-day quest to fight back against the habit of angry words and voices that had crept into my mornings and other parts of my days.  I prayed for patience with my 3-year-old.  I paid less attention to the clock, and more attention to controlling my reactions to it.  And I celebrated with Maisy when we made it to the car without raising our voices.  Throughout the day, I was mindful of the volume of my voice and the burning in my chest when I felt myself running out of my store of patience, and I made it through Day 1.  And it felt pretty good!

Day 2: Start with Prayer... for Love

Today is Day 2, and I was pulled back again to the fruit of the Spirit, and this time, to Love.  I reread 1 Corinthians 13, that much-invited wedding ceremony guest, and I read it with a focus on my goal: Less anger, more calm.  Here’s what I read:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Patient again!  That’s good.  I can never have too much of that!  But it goes beyond patience. 

Day 2: Extend Unmerited Kindness

Kindness, yes.  That I can apply.  The kind of “grace”-kindness that a mentor mom spoke about at MOPS today, that “unmerited favor” that we receive from God, and need to strive to pass on to others.  For instance, extending grace to my daughter when her voice is whiiiiiiining and my ears physically hurt.  Favor and kindness, even when I’d rather plug my ears or repeat the screechy sounds back to her, as if that helps (Um no, it doesn’t help.  Tried that before.  Bad idea.). 

Unmerited kindness.  Kindness because I love her, even if kindness didn’t mean she’d pull her head up from under the covers so I could brush her hair this morning.  Kindness just because I love her.  Kindness didn’t stop her from refusing to have her hair brushed, and didn’t stop the natural consequence of me walking away to brush my own hair since she wasn’t ready, which didn’t stop her from slamming herself into her room when she decided she was ready “RIGHT NOW!”  Kindness didn’t stop those things, but my voice stayed calm, my anger stayed low, and my 3-year-old chilled out in her room while I dried my hair, and then brought me her hairbrush with a smile.  It always works out that well, right?  ;)

Day 2: Try Something Different

I used to do this all the time when I was a teacher of students with challenging behaviors: Try something different.  When a routine or a strategy or a whatever stops working, then switch it up.  For some reason, I hadn’t applied this to our morning routine, which clearly has not been working. 

Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair.  Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. 

We’ve done it this way for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I’ve tried sticker charts, time outs, setting a timer and dangling a reward (TV time), threatening that we’re going to be late (haha).  But I’ve never really considered changing the routine itself. 

So today I tried it.  And I’ll admit that Maisy kind of freaked out at first when I told her we were going to try going potty BEFORE breakfast.  Giving her some warning the night before might have helped.  But I offered to go with her to the potty, to help her, and she ended up trotting off with me.  I had her get dressed right away after that, reminding her that I’d pour her cereal next (It certainly didn’t hurt my cause that we have Lucky Charms in the house).  And voila!  Potty, check!  Get dressed, check!  Half her morning “to-do” list done before she even sat down at the table. 

We tried something different.

Day 2: “Love…. Keeps No Record of Wrongs”

Here’s a tough one for me.  I have a good visceral memory.  The “wrongs” sometimes build up in my chest from one moment, one hour, one day to the next.  I remember this VERY clearly from when we had the big kids with us.  Instead of my frustration level starting again at zero on each new day, or for each new “behavior”, I’d be starting somewhere much higher. 

If you visualize a thermometer with green, yellow, orange, and red levels reaching from bottom to top, I’d be starting somewhere between yellow and orange before the day had even started.  It’s not necessarily that extreme with Maisy, but still, sometimes I can jump to boiling red so much faster than I should for some small misdemeanor.  It’s because something inside of me is keeping a visceral record of wrongs, or maybe because I’m too busy or distracted, or because I’m too tired.  Whatever the reason, I need to find ways (A break, big or small? Some serious deep breaths? Mindfulness of it? Prayer before, during, and after?) to bring my “Record of Wrongs” meter back to the green zone.  Because it’s fair to my kiddos, it’s actually better for my health, and because that’s what 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about.   

And by the way, I think we can extend ourselves a bit of that same grace, and lack of record-keeping.  So if we mess up and blow up, we get to start back at “green” too.  

30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge: Day 1

I yell, and I don't like it.  It's worse now than ever now that my 3-year-old dawdler - I mean, daughter - is capable of doing a lot of things independently.  However, if left to her own devices, she would probably still be standing in front of the sink without feeling any urgency to turn on the water.  

This dawdling side is nothing new!  I remember when Maisy was in gymnastics as a very young two-year-old, and the teacher would laugh at her no-hurry, take-the-long-way, stop-and-lay-on-the-mat-for-no-apparent-reason personality.  It IS funny!  Except when we have to be somewhere.  Or when I just want to move on with my day instead of waiting hours for Maisy to pull up her pants after going potty so that I can help her brush her teeth.  This potty-teeth-get dressed-brush hair routine can take FOR-EV-ER.  And it's daily.  So my patience stretches and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s and s--t--r--e--t--c--h--e--s and then I snap, and I yell.  

I do Mad Mental Math: We've been doing this for 45 minutes.  It's 8:37 and we need to load up the van by 8:45.  I've asked her to put her left sock on 6 times.  I turn into a calculator, adding numbers into my head while I wait for my little girl to find a sense of urgency that doesn't exist, and all the while the kindness subtracts from my voice, and then my anger multiplies, and I yell.

Proverbs 15:1  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

When I resort to harsh words, it stirs up Maisy's anger, and pretty soon we're both upset.  Whatever is supposed to be happening gets delayed, and we're both reacting in anger.  Pointless, right?  But so challenging!  So this is what I've been battling with lately, truly battling. 

I've decided to change.  I feel convicted to change.  So here we go, the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge (cool, in honor of this chilly 25-degree morning).

My Day 1:  

Start with Prayer.  I prayed about it this morning before Maisy was even awake.  I asked God for extended patience for my little girl.  The fruit of the Spirit, right?  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Right on!  I needed to pray first.  I need to keep praying, so that the fruit of the Spirit can flow right out from me, starting in my own home.  

Be Willing to Be Late.  This morning, I decided that being a few minutes late would be worth it.  Leaving at 8:52 instead of 8:45 would be okay if it meant that we left the house without leaving behind us an echo of angry voices.  And guess what?  Maisy was still on time for preschool - just not a few minutes early like we usually are.  Even better, she was even brighter and shinier than usual, stopping to greet the school director with a cheery "hey there!" (haha), and exclaiming, "Good morning, Mrs. Gatz!" with extra cheer when we arrived at her classroom.  

Celebrate.  As we drove to school today, I told Maisy, "Thumbs up, Maisy!  No one got upset this morning.  Thumbs up for Mommy and Maisy!"  "Yeah!" said my sweet little dawdler.  I mean "daughter." ;)

"Thumbs up, Buttercup."  Maisy giggled.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Do you hear an edge to your voice that you don't like?  Does your volume get turned up too loud?  Do you sense that an occasional outburst is on verge of becoming a cycle of short tempers?  It's the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge.  I'll probably blow it sometimes.  There's no such thing as a perfect parent, right?  I just want this to be my number one goal for the next 30 days.  I want to build better habits, starting now.  I want to be a good example for my kids as they grow.  I can do better, starting now.

Adult ELL: Putting the "Tutor" Back in TutorMommy

I know, I know... my "TutorMommy" blog has been nearly ALL Mommy and very little Tutor for a looong time.  But that's changing right now.  Last night was our church's return to Wednesday evening ministries, which means it was back-to-school for the adults in the ELL Ministry as well.

This is my second year as the director of the all volunteer-led ELL Ministry, and I LOVE it.  I could go on about the logistical side of my role as director - the phone calls (in English and Spanish), the voicemails, the emails, the bus schedule, the spreadsheets, the letters, the forms - but I won't.  That's the part of my job that I put up with so that I can get to the parts of the job that I thrive on - curriculum planning and teaching!

Side note---------

Over a decade ago (seriously?), I interviewed for the J.D. Edwards Honors Program at UNL.  It was and is, now under a different name, a computer science and business program, which seemed like a good idea at the time.  Interestingly enough, what I most remember from my interview now is that I told the committee that I wanted to get a Spanish minor so that I could put it to use to make a positive difference in whatever job I had down the road.  Funny!  I got in, I developed some awesome friendships, and I figured out that I couldn't see myself working in business or computer science down the road.  I did, however, get that Spanish minor, and I'm using it today!

It's okay, Honors Program Committee.  I did make spreadsheets... and forms... and a Facebook page... and look, a blog!... so much business and technology.  ;)

End side note-------

Where was I?  Curriculum planning and teaching, the parts that are fun and energizing for me...

Planning what and how to teach my class is trickier than it sounds.  Last night, out of the 15 students who attended our first class, 3 new students are pre-literate beginners, many new and returning students have high beginning through high intermediate English skills, and a couple of students have more advanced English skills.  How do I plan a group activity that works for students who know their names and little else, as well as students who are reading and writing and speaking at a fairly high level?  What kinds of activities do I need to have ready for them during Tutoring Time, when my students work 1-on-1 or in small groups?  How do I keep them interested, teach them something worthwhile, and not scare off our newcomers?

Those are the questions I worked on for hours and hours and hours... and those answers will have to wait for another naptime.

To be continued... (I hope)



 

A Simple Nightmare

A couple of nights ago, our 2 1/2 year old Maisy woke up crying and calling for Mommy.  Rick was the first one up (he often heroically is first up in the middle of the night, at least until Baby Boy comes along in a month), so I heard her tell him tearfully, "I w-wanted s-syrup on my pancaaaaakes..."

Even though it was the middle of the night, and she was clearly very upset, I had to smile to myself and go to her.  Especially since it turned out "Mommy" was the one withholding the syrup!

So that's what my toddler's nightmares are about: Pancakes with no syrup.  After a bit of rocking and reassuring her that it was just a dream, and she would certainly have syrup with her pancakes next time... and after a few songs to soothe her back towards sleep, I went back to bed myself.  And smiled again at the simplicity of her bad dream.

I thought a little more (because these very-pregnant-days, once I'm awake, it takes me over an hour to get back to sleep), and suddenly felt oddly grateful for my daughter's syrup-nightmares.  I know with certainty that there are children who wake up in the night with scarier dreams based on the kinds of realities that no little ones should have to face.  And I know there are children who wake up crying in the night with no one to rock and reassure and sing a soothing song.  Or children whose parent may be a reassuring presence one night, completely absent the next, and as frightening as their dreams the next.  I pray for those little ones, and for the big kids they grow up to become.

I soothe and discipline and love my daughter with a steady consistency, because here is the child I've been given to nurture, and these are the critical years I've been given to do it.

These are the things a very-pregnant-mommy thinks about in the middle of the night when her daughter wakes up from a Syrup Nightmare.  

Cutest Kid

So I was at the Y yesterday when I happened to catch the last 10 minutes of the Live! with Kelly show.  Kelly announced that tomorrow at noon eastern time was the deadline for submitting a photo for the 2012 Cutest Kid contest (sorry folks, that was at least 4 hours ago).  Obviously, I hadn't tuned in for a over a month, since the window for submissions started June 6th.  After her announcement, they flashed snapshots of other people's Cute Kids on the screen.  

Like tens of thousands of other parents across the country, I thought to myself, "Maisy is soooo cute," and I began thinking of all of the adorable photos I have of her on my phone, camera, and computer.  That's it!  I would submit Maisy's picture for the Cutest Kid contest!


Yesterday afternoon, during Maisy's naptime, I remembered the contest.  I checked out the details on the Live! website and learned that the prize for each of two categories was a 7-day cruise for a family of 4!  Not only that, but the #1 Cutest Kid would get a Dodge Journey.  Well, what did I have to lose?  Again, I thought to myself, Maisy is sooooo cute.  Sure the odds were stacked against us, but we must have a chance?!  Tens of thousands of other parents across the country thought the same thing.


Well, the site required that the photo was taken in the last month, and suggested no hats, no sunglasses, looking straight at the camera, etc., etc.  That did narrow things down a bit.  This picture was clearly ruled out:

But I didn't give up!  I found several contenders and sent them to my mom's email address for her vote:

When we both agreed to narrow it down to #1, I sent it off to Rick for approval (I suppose the other parent gets a say before a child's photo gets submitted to a national competition that she has a CLEAR chance of winning...).  Not only did Rick think it was a cute picture, but apparently he agreed with me that our Maisy had a better than average chance at becoming Live!'s Cutest Kid, because he wanted to wait and look through the rest of the photos we have at home. 

Alas, that was the beginning of the end for our realistic hopes of Maisy as Kelly's Cutest Kid.  We forgot last night.  By the time I remembered this morning and attempted to submit it, the website was so bogged down that it was impossible.  And so, this year's Cutest Kid chances were swallowed up by technological failure and the procrastination of the tens of thousands of parents who had a better than average chance of winning.

No cruise for us!  No Dodge Journey for us!  

BUT... we know something the judges wouldn't have known anyway.  Something that couldn't possibly be captured by one sweet little snapshot at the beach.  

There are things a picture can catch:  Those sparkly eyes!  Those crazy untameable curls!  That wide smile!  Those sweet dimples!  Those chubby little legs that keep stretching, but haven't quite lost their baby-ness yet!  We love these tangible qualities of our self-proclaimed Big Girl.

Then there are the things a camera can't capture:  The way she says "I love you" so many times a day, and you can tell by the tilt of her head and the squint of her eyes that she really means it.  The way she prays with us before supper, and is thankful for "Daddy, Mommy, Maisy, Dini, and Baby... and ketchup, and burgers, and napkins, and carrots, and forks, and watermelon, and milk, and spoons, and cups... in Jesus' name we pray, Amen."  The way she can sense the feelings and moods in people around her - especially her Mama! - and will melt when something is sad, cling when something is scary, and laugh even when the joke is way over her head.  The way she says "I love our Baby" sight unseen - and we know she will.

That's our Maisy!  And I guess we didn't need any contest to tell us that she's our very own Cutest Kid.  

(Though that cruise sure sounded nice!)