Keep-Your-Cool Challenge Day 2: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Yesterday was Day 1 in my 30-day quest to fight back against the habit of angry words and voices that had crept into my mornings and other parts of my days.  I prayed for patience with my 3-year-old.  I paid less attention to the clock, and more attention to controlling my reactions to it.  And I celebrated with Maisy when we made it to the car without raising our voices.  Throughout the day, I was mindful of the volume of my voice and the burning in my chest when I felt myself running out of my store of patience, and I made it through Day 1.  And it felt pretty good!

Day 2: Start with Prayer... for Love

Today is Day 2, and I was pulled back again to the fruit of the Spirit, and this time, to Love.  I reread 1 Corinthians 13, that much-invited wedding ceremony guest, and I read it with a focus on my goal: Less anger, more calm.  Here’s what I read:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Patient again!  That’s good.  I can never have too much of that!  But it goes beyond patience. 

Day 2: Extend Unmerited Kindness

Kindness, yes.  That I can apply.  The kind of “grace”-kindness that a mentor mom spoke about at MOPS today, that “unmerited favor” that we receive from God, and need to strive to pass on to others.  For instance, extending grace to my daughter when her voice is whiiiiiiining and my ears physically hurt.  Favor and kindness, even when I’d rather plug my ears or repeat the screechy sounds back to her, as if that helps (Um no, it doesn’t help.  Tried that before.  Bad idea.). 

Unmerited kindness.  Kindness because I love her, even if kindness didn’t mean she’d pull her head up from under the covers so I could brush her hair this morning.  Kindness just because I love her.  Kindness didn’t stop her from refusing to have her hair brushed, and didn’t stop the natural consequence of me walking away to brush my own hair since she wasn’t ready, which didn’t stop her from slamming herself into her room when she decided she was ready “RIGHT NOW!”  Kindness didn’t stop those things, but my voice stayed calm, my anger stayed low, and my 3-year-old chilled out in her room while I dried my hair, and then brought me her hairbrush with a smile.  It always works out that well, right?  ;)

Day 2: Try Something Different

I used to do this all the time when I was a teacher of students with challenging behaviors: Try something different.  When a routine or a strategy or a whatever stops working, then switch it up.  For some reason, I hadn’t applied this to our morning routine, which clearly has not been working. 

Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair.  Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. 

We’ve done it this way for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I’ve tried sticker charts, time outs, setting a timer and dangling a reward (TV time), threatening that we’re going to be late (haha).  But I’ve never really considered changing the routine itself. 

So today I tried it.  And I’ll admit that Maisy kind of freaked out at first when I told her we were going to try going potty BEFORE breakfast.  Giving her some warning the night before might have helped.  But I offered to go with her to the potty, to help her, and she ended up trotting off with me.  I had her get dressed right away after that, reminding her that I’d pour her cereal next (It certainly didn’t hurt my cause that we have Lucky Charms in the house).  And voila!  Potty, check!  Get dressed, check!  Half her morning “to-do” list done before she even sat down at the table. 

We tried something different.

Day 2: “Love…. Keeps No Record of Wrongs”

Here’s a tough one for me.  I have a good visceral memory.  The “wrongs” sometimes build up in my chest from one moment, one hour, one day to the next.  I remember this VERY clearly from when we had the big kids with us.  Instead of my frustration level starting again at zero on each new day, or for each new “behavior”, I’d be starting somewhere much higher. 

If you visualize a thermometer with green, yellow, orange, and red levels reaching from bottom to top, I’d be starting somewhere between yellow and orange before the day had even started.  It’s not necessarily that extreme with Maisy, but still, sometimes I can jump to boiling red so much faster than I should for some small misdemeanor.  It’s because something inside of me is keeping a visceral record of wrongs, or maybe because I’m too busy or distracted, or because I’m too tired.  Whatever the reason, I need to find ways (A break, big or small? Some serious deep breaths? Mindfulness of it? Prayer before, during, and after?) to bring my “Record of Wrongs” meter back to the green zone.  Because it’s fair to my kiddos, it’s actually better for my health, and because that’s what 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about.   

And by the way, I think we can extend ourselves a bit of that same grace, and lack of record-keeping.  So if we mess up and blow up, we get to start back at “green” too.  

30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge: Day 1

I yell, and I don't like it.  It's worse now than ever now that my 3-year-old dawdler - I mean, daughter - is capable of doing a lot of things independently.  However, if left to her own devices, she would probably still be standing in front of the sink without feeling any urgency to turn on the water.  

This dawdling side is nothing new!  I remember when Maisy was in gymnastics as a very young two-year-old, and the teacher would laugh at her no-hurry, take-the-long-way, stop-and-lay-on-the-mat-for-no-apparent-reason personality.  It IS funny!  Except when we have to be somewhere.  Or when I just want to move on with my day instead of waiting hours for Maisy to pull up her pants after going potty so that I can help her brush her teeth.  This potty-teeth-get dressed-brush hair routine can take FOR-EV-ER.  And it's daily.  So my patience stretches and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s and s--t--r--e--t--c--h--e--s and then I snap, and I yell.  

I do Mad Mental Math: We've been doing this for 45 minutes.  It's 8:37 and we need to load up the van by 8:45.  I've asked her to put her left sock on 6 times.  I turn into a calculator, adding numbers into my head while I wait for my little girl to find a sense of urgency that doesn't exist, and all the while the kindness subtracts from my voice, and then my anger multiplies, and I yell.

Proverbs 15:1  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

When I resort to harsh words, it stirs up Maisy's anger, and pretty soon we're both upset.  Whatever is supposed to be happening gets delayed, and we're both reacting in anger.  Pointless, right?  But so challenging!  So this is what I've been battling with lately, truly battling. 

I've decided to change.  I feel convicted to change.  So here we go, the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge (cool, in honor of this chilly 25-degree morning).

My Day 1:  

Start with Prayer.  I prayed about it this morning before Maisy was even awake.  I asked God for extended patience for my little girl.  The fruit of the Spirit, right?  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Right on!  I needed to pray first.  I need to keep praying, so that the fruit of the Spirit can flow right out from me, starting in my own home.  

Be Willing to Be Late.  This morning, I decided that being a few minutes late would be worth it.  Leaving at 8:52 instead of 8:45 would be okay if it meant that we left the house without leaving behind us an echo of angry voices.  And guess what?  Maisy was still on time for preschool - just not a few minutes early like we usually are.  Even better, she was even brighter and shinier than usual, stopping to greet the school director with a cheery "hey there!" (haha), and exclaiming, "Good morning, Mrs. Gatz!" with extra cheer when we arrived at her classroom.  

Celebrate.  As we drove to school today, I told Maisy, "Thumbs up, Maisy!  No one got upset this morning.  Thumbs up for Mommy and Maisy!"  "Yeah!" said my sweet little dawdler.  I mean "daughter." ;)

"Thumbs up, Buttercup."  Maisy giggled.

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Do you hear an edge to your voice that you don't like?  Does your volume get turned up too loud?  Do you sense that an occasional outburst is on verge of becoming a cycle of short tempers?  It's the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge.  I'll probably blow it sometimes.  There's no such thing as a perfect parent, right?  I just want this to be my number one goal for the next 30 days.  I want to build better habits, starting now.  I want to be a good example for my kids as they grow.  I can do better, starting now.

Adult ELL: Putting the "Tutor" Back in TutorMommy

I know, I know... my "TutorMommy" blog has been nearly ALL Mommy and very little Tutor for a looong time.  But that's changing right now.  Last night was our church's return to Wednesday evening ministries, which means it was back-to-school for the adults in the ELL Ministry as well.

This is my second year as the director of the all volunteer-led ELL Ministry, and I LOVE it.  I could go on about the logistical side of my role as director - the phone calls (in English and Spanish), the voicemails, the emails, the bus schedule, the spreadsheets, the letters, the forms - but I won't.  That's the part of my job that I put up with so that I can get to the parts of the job that I thrive on - curriculum planning and teaching!

Side note---------

Over a decade ago (seriously?), I interviewed for the J.D. Edwards Honors Program at UNL.  It was and is, now under a different name, a computer science and business program, which seemed like a good idea at the time.  Interestingly enough, what I most remember from my interview now is that I told the committee that I wanted to get a Spanish minor so that I could put it to use to make a positive difference in whatever job I had down the road.  Funny!  I got in, I developed some awesome friendships, and I figured out that I couldn't see myself working in business or computer science down the road.  I did, however, get that Spanish minor, and I'm using it today!

It's okay, Honors Program Committee.  I did make spreadsheets... and forms... and a Facebook page... and look, a blog!... so much business and technology.  ;)

End side note-------

Where was I?  Curriculum planning and teaching, the parts that are fun and energizing for me...

Planning what and how to teach my class is trickier than it sounds.  Last night, out of the 15 students who attended our first class, 3 new students are pre-literate beginners, many new and returning students have high beginning through high intermediate English skills, and a couple of students have more advanced English skills.  How do I plan a group activity that works for students who know their names and little else, as well as students who are reading and writing and speaking at a fairly high level?  What kinds of activities do I need to have ready for them during Tutoring Time, when my students work 1-on-1 or in small groups?  How do I keep them interested, teach them something worthwhile, and not scare off our newcomers?

Those are the questions I worked on for hours and hours and hours... and those answers will have to wait for another naptime.

To be continued... (I hope)



 

A Simple Nightmare

A couple of nights ago, our 2 1/2 year old Maisy woke up crying and calling for Mommy.  Rick was the first one up (he often heroically is first up in the middle of the night, at least until Baby Boy comes along in a month), so I heard her tell him tearfully, "I w-wanted s-syrup on my pancaaaaakes..."

Even though it was the middle of the night, and she was clearly very upset, I had to smile to myself and go to her.  Especially since it turned out "Mommy" was the one withholding the syrup!

So that's what my toddler's nightmares are about: Pancakes with no syrup.  After a bit of rocking and reassuring her that it was just a dream, and she would certainly have syrup with her pancakes next time... and after a few songs to soothe her back towards sleep, I went back to bed myself.  And smiled again at the simplicity of her bad dream.

I thought a little more (because these very-pregnant-days, once I'm awake, it takes me over an hour to get back to sleep), and suddenly felt oddly grateful for my daughter's syrup-nightmares.  I know with certainty that there are children who wake up in the night with scarier dreams based on the kinds of realities that no little ones should have to face.  And I know there are children who wake up crying in the night with no one to rock and reassure and sing a soothing song.  Or children whose parent may be a reassuring presence one night, completely absent the next, and as frightening as their dreams the next.  I pray for those little ones, and for the big kids they grow up to become.

I soothe and discipline and love my daughter with a steady consistency, because here is the child I've been given to nurture, and these are the critical years I've been given to do it.

These are the things a very-pregnant-mommy thinks about in the middle of the night when her daughter wakes up from a Syrup Nightmare.  

Cutest Kid

So I was at the Y yesterday when I happened to catch the last 10 minutes of the Live! with Kelly show.  Kelly announced that tomorrow at noon eastern time was the deadline for submitting a photo for the 2012 Cutest Kid contest (sorry folks, that was at least 4 hours ago).  Obviously, I hadn't tuned in for a over a month, since the window for submissions started June 6th.  After her announcement, they flashed snapshots of other people's Cute Kids on the screen.  

Like tens of thousands of other parents across the country, I thought to myself, "Maisy is soooo cute," and I began thinking of all of the adorable photos I have of her on my phone, camera, and computer.  That's it!  I would submit Maisy's picture for the Cutest Kid contest!


Yesterday afternoon, during Maisy's naptime, I remembered the contest.  I checked out the details on the Live! website and learned that the prize for each of two categories was a 7-day cruise for a family of 4!  Not only that, but the #1 Cutest Kid would get a Dodge Journey.  Well, what did I have to lose?  Again, I thought to myself, Maisy is sooooo cute.  Sure the odds were stacked against us, but we must have a chance?!  Tens of thousands of other parents across the country thought the same thing.


Well, the site required that the photo was taken in the last month, and suggested no hats, no sunglasses, looking straight at the camera, etc., etc.  That did narrow things down a bit.  This picture was clearly ruled out:

But I didn't give up!  I found several contenders and sent them to my mom's email address for her vote:

When we both agreed to narrow it down to #1, I sent it off to Rick for approval (I suppose the other parent gets a say before a child's photo gets submitted to a national competition that she has a CLEAR chance of winning...).  Not only did Rick think it was a cute picture, but apparently he agreed with me that our Maisy had a better than average chance at becoming Live!'s Cutest Kid, because he wanted to wait and look through the rest of the photos we have at home. 

Alas, that was the beginning of the end for our realistic hopes of Maisy as Kelly's Cutest Kid.  We forgot last night.  By the time I remembered this morning and attempted to submit it, the website was so bogged down that it was impossible.  And so, this year's Cutest Kid chances were swallowed up by technological failure and the procrastination of the tens of thousands of parents who had a better than average chance of winning.

No cruise for us!  No Dodge Journey for us!  

BUT... we know something the judges wouldn't have known anyway.  Something that couldn't possibly be captured by one sweet little snapshot at the beach.  

There are things a picture can catch:  Those sparkly eyes!  Those crazy untameable curls!  That wide smile!  Those sweet dimples!  Those chubby little legs that keep stretching, but haven't quite lost their baby-ness yet!  We love these tangible qualities of our self-proclaimed Big Girl.

Then there are the things a camera can't capture:  The way she says "I love you" so many times a day, and you can tell by the tilt of her head and the squint of her eyes that she really means it.  The way she prays with us before supper, and is thankful for "Daddy, Mommy, Maisy, Dini, and Baby... and ketchup, and burgers, and napkins, and carrots, and forks, and watermelon, and milk, and spoons, and cups... in Jesus' name we pray, Amen."  The way she can sense the feelings and moods in people around her - especially her Mama! - and will melt when something is sad, cling when something is scary, and laugh even when the joke is way over her head.  The way she says "I love our Baby" sight unseen - and we know she will.

That's our Maisy!  And I guess we didn't need any contest to tell us that she's our very own Cutest Kid.  

(Though that cruise sure sounded nice!)

  

Love It or List It: Nesting Edition

Ok, I confess, I've never actually seen HGTV's "Love It or List It."  However, I think I can guess at the premise:

1.  You have some things you want to change in the house.
2.  You change them.  (In the case of HGTV, maybe a little outrageously.)
3.  You decide if you "Love It" (aka let's stay)
4.  Or if you'll "List It." (you get the idea)

Something like that, right?

Since I DO watch Househunters, it happens every so often that I get the urge to check our local real estate listings to see what's available and reasonable in our area.  Sometimes they're pretty great!  But I'm held back by two questions:  Do I really want to leave the neighborhood?  And, do I really have the energy to get our house market-ready and keep it that way?

It certainly helps that houses in our neighborhood are actually selling for the first time in years!  Also, now that we've been in our home six years, we figure we could theoretically think about moving.

So that's what this is all about!  We've done some updates to our home over the years, but there are plenty of areas of the home that we'd like to change either to better enjoy what we have, or to make it more interesting to a potential buyer.  Assuming I stay motivated and interested in this scheme, you can check back for future Love It or List It updates.

Note to Readers: We're not REALLY making any plans to sell, or to buy elsewhere, so let's not get too carried away.

Second Note to Readers:  This is the Nesting Edition, meaning... we're expecting Baby #2!  As of tomorrow, I'm "officially" in my Second Trimester, so this is when I'm supposed to have increased energy, right?!?  So some of our ideas are about how we get this house in better shape before our little Who makes his or her first big "YOPP!"  

"Growin' and growin'"

Rick and I took Maisy to the City Clerk's Office the other day to apply for her passport.  We get to go on a family vacation to Mexico this summer, since my youngest brother decided to have a destination wedding.  We're thrilled to have an excuse to spend time at a resort on the beach!

Anyway, it came time for Rick to go to work and Maisy and I to go off and do a few other errands.  

Maisy: "No, Daddy.  You not go to work.  You come home with me!"

Daddy: I want to come home with you, but I have to go to work.  I'll see you at home after your nap.

Maisy: (screams, because yes, she is two, then says:) "This is so frustrating.  I am so upset right now."

Seriously.  She used those exact words.  She isn't quite 27 months old yet.  

The big news in our house is that Maisy is potty training.  We started a couple of weeks ago, right after we got back from a long road trip to North Dakota.  Maisy had been trying on the potty quite a bit for several months, and she had success here and there, but we hadn't really put any focus on it and we were still using diapers 100% of the time.  "U" was the letter of the week for Library Storytime on that Monday, so I thought, "Why not?  U is for Undies, after all!"  

After Storytime, we spontaneously checked out the book "Ian's Potty" from the library (highly recommended, though as Rick reminded me, you can't really spend time thinking about how many potties that book has been near).  Then it was off to Target, where I carefully diverted Maisy's attention away from the thin-as-tissue-paper princess-and-Dora undies to the practical-and-absorbent Gerber training pants (highly recommended as well!).  It took very little convincing to convince her of how cool the flowers, butterflies, and pink Big Girl Undies were - she had them out of the package before we got to the checkout lanes.  

That was a Monday.  We had a few accidents here and there ("like Ian") between that Monday and Thursday.  It's been two full weeks since we got the Big Girl Undies, and she hasn't had an accident since that Thursday!  She still wears a diaper overnight, but almost always wakes up "clean and dry," as she puts it, and she's starting to refuse a diaper during naps.  As she says, "I'm a big girl.  I'm growin' and growin'!"