Good Enough.

It fell right off - this blog, I mean - right off my plate!

Somewhere between Tucker's baptism and 1st birthday, Thanksgiving and Maisy's Advent program, Christmas shopping and house guests and everyday life...

I looked at my laptop at the end of a long day and I thought: I'll blog about it tomorrow.  For about 12 days, apparently.  

Welcome to tomorrow!  

Technically, it is Day 32 of the Keep-Your-Cool 30-Day Challenge.  So...

Was I more patient, especially with Maisy?

Did I show more self-control when angry words wanted to fly out of my head?

Am I officially a perfect mom now?  (Haha)

Here's my answer: Good enough.  

It was good enough.  

This is a time of year when it's easy for me to remember a couple of special "big kids" who lived with us for what we thought would be forever, and what turned out to be just awhile.  

At times anger has burned inside of me for the injustice of it all - the injustice of babies and small children who grow up not knowing whether they would be fed that day, or whether their diapers would be changed, or whether things would be seen that could never be unseen, or whether cries would be met with comfort, anger, or Nothing. At. All.  And the injustice of Fetal Alcohol, stacked right on top. It burns inside of me - the anger, the sadness.  

And I wish we could have been the answer for those two kids... but we weren't.  I wish awhile could have been forever... but it wasn't.  Other parents get to be their answers and their forevers, and I'm a little jealous of those parents, in a way that maybe only people who have been in my shoes could understand.  Maybe more than anything, I wish I could have turned back the clocks and been their mom right from birth, however strange and impossible that may sound.  More than once I have wished I could have been their imperfect, good enough mom right from the start.  But impossible it is. 

 

My point is, when I look back at these last 32 days and beyond, I know that even though it hasn't always been great, it's been good enough.  My two lucky children are safe and fed and loved and cared for and they always have been.  

I fed them when they were new babies, hungry in the night.  I changed the 12th dirty diaper in a day and calmed raging diaper rashes.  I tucked them under warm blankets on cold nights.  I held their small hands in busy parking lots.  

And if I lose my temper sometimes, or make plenty of parenting mistakes along the way, I still know it's good enough.  

My children are growing up loved in this often messy, sometimes hectic, never perfect home, and it's good enough.  

Worth a Thousand: Siblings!

What am I thankful for this year?

Siblings!

Fast 5: Being Mom

1.  It's possible for me to spend hours accomplishing absolutely nothing of value just by walking from room to room and cleaning whatever mess I spot in my peripheral vision.

2.  I relish the moment when Child #1 finally FINALLY finds a way to entertain herself... a few minutes later, I start to worry about what she's up to because it's Just. Too. Quiet.

3.  When I changed my baby's up-the-back blowout this morning, I noticed his pajamas were coated with dog hair even though we actually vacuumed within the past 48 hours (victory!).  It reminds me of why I don't dress my children in fleece when we'll be going out in public.

4.  I suddenly realize I'm like a talking Magic-8 Ball.  I shake my head and out pop relevant, helpful phrases such as "No more buts." and "Because I said so." and "1... 2..........."

5.  I planned to get groceries very early this morning before my husband left work.  I didn't.  It's now 10:50 am.  The baby has been napping for an hour and a half and the preschooler is taking a time out (I got to "3").  It's actually been a really long time out, and it occurs to me that it's Just. Too. Quiet. Again. And by the way, tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Wait, the baby is awake... and Go!

Say it 5 times fast: NebuchadnezzarNebuchadnezzarNebuchadnezzar

This is what I wanted to blog on Saturday, the day after my "I'm SO humbled" post.  

I've had my battles with Pride.  And even though Friday's post focused on how parenthood has humbled me - and oh, how it has! - I still have my battles. 

I had an email conversation with a friend on Saturday morning regarding my "Humbled" post.  She told a story about a very recent humbling experience of hers.  As I read and replied, I realized that I'm still fighting my Pride.

In the PreK-K Sunday School class I teach, or the Adult ELL ministry I direct, or even keeping my cool when I've explicitly prayed for help with it, I sometimes get so caught up in the details, the planning, the doing, that I forget what it's all about: WHO it's all about.  When a lesson goes well, or someone really "gets" it, or a relationship grows, I sometimes forget... it's a God thing.  Every idea, skill, gift, comes from God.  But I can get so lost in the details that I forget to give the glory to God.  

This is exactly what I was thinking about, and praying about, on Saturday morning.

Then, not 15 minutes later - and why am I always so surprised??? - my Bible reading plan took me straight to Daniel 4 and the story of King Nebuchadnezzar. 

Here it is, in a nutshell:

Nebuchadnezzar dreams about this huge, beautiful, shady tree.  In the dream, a voice from heaven demands, "Cut it down!"

Daniel comes in to tell what it all means.  "You're the tree!  You've got to get yourself under control, or God is going to help you figure things out the hard way."

Not long after, Nebuchadnezzar looks over his whole kingdom and basically says, "I'm awesome!  Look at all this!  It's MINE, and I made it this great."

Immediately comes the voice from heaven, and it happens.  Nebuchadnezzar loses his mind and ends up in the fields for "seven periods of time", eating grass like an animal.  

He finally gets it:

34 At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever....

36 At the same time that my sanity was restored... I was restored to my throne and became even greater than before. 37 Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.

I don't want to be like Nebuchadnezzar.  

I need to raise my own eyes toward heaven and give God all the glory, all the time.   

It's Day 15, and I'm praying for humility, again.

Worth a Thousand: Tucker's Baptism

:)

A hand-painted gift to Tucker from the middle school youth group at church: 

The waters of baptism

And words chosen and read by my brother Jef, 

on behalf of Jef & Jen, Tucker's sponsors: 

9 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,[a] 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,

Colossians 1:9-10

Amen!

"I'm SO humbled..."

"I'm so humbled...

...to have won this lifetime achievement award today...

...to have been elected as your fearless leader...

...to have been selected as the Most Awe-Inspiring Person of 2013..."

Maybe I'm strange, but when I've won an award or been selected for some kind of honor, I don't actually feel all that humbled.  I usually feel pretty proud of myself.  I might try to hide it, which is maybe what all those Oscar winners are trying to do, but on the inside I'm feeling good, and not necessarily all that humble.  

In some areas of my life, especially academically, success has come fairly easily.  And success and humility are not always the best of friends.  

Humility has been a little easier to come by in the past several years, since parenting doesn't come with a textbook, a syllabus, and a weekly 20-point spelling test.  

Parenthood is more like an open-ended project with an empty rubric that I know needs to be filled with things like "Love" and "Discipline", but I'm not really sure how or what kind or when or to what extent. 

In school, I may have kept track of how many math facts I could whip out in one minute.  

In parenthood, I may keep a mental tally of other things, like how many loads of clean laundry are piled on my couch waiting to be folded.  Or how many dirty diapers Tucker has produced since dinnertime (Yes, folks, I'm a broken record, the yuck is still happening over here.)

In school, I may have gotten a "way to go" sticker or a smiley face at the top of a paper I turned in.

In parenthood, I get a bear hug from my preschooler for that amazing PB&J I made at lunch (way to go!), but this is swiftly followed by my near-1-year-old crawling madly towards me and trying to physically force his sister out of my arms, because no, they are not my arms, they are actually an extension of his body.

In school, I may have smiled to myself when my work was displayed in a hallway somewhere.

In parenthood, I try to laugh at myself when I see the hallway display at preschool: Yes, my daughter was the one thankful for "TV" while pretty much the rest of her class was thankful for "mommy."  

Surely God has his own reasons for giving us the children he does, and I have no doubt that humility is one of them.  

I'm proud of my kids, the bright and funny things they say and do. 

But I'm also humbled - seriously humbled - because I don't actually know how to effectively discipline my high-spirited little girl...

 and I'm actually kind of worried that my son is going to take teething to the next level and start biting (eek!)...

and the responsibility sometimes feels like a heavy weight...

 and I don't feel nearly as old and well-equipped as I assumed my mom was when I was the child and she was the parent...  (Sorry for calling you old, Mom!)

and I've made mistakes, not just with these two little ones, but with our two former foster children who are other places now, with other parents (older? better-equipped?)...

But I think maybe God likes this kind of humility.  All over the Bible, His people talk about giving glory to God.  And what better way to give glory to God than to realize that you can't do it without Him.  You NEED His Daily Bread.

So, for Day 12, go ahead and pray for a little more of that kind of humbled.    

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.

miracles.

I prayed for thankfulness today, on Day 11, but I had a hard time really keeping it in my mind as the day dragged on.  

I don't know why it felt so long.  At 4:55, I looked at the clock and thought, "Not too much longer until Rick comes home, but long enough!"  

My hands smelled faintly like Maximum Strength Desitin, but Tucker was still red and raw.  My hands were cracked and stinging from post-diaper change washes.  

I remembered a quote I heard at MOPS a year or so ago: "The days are long, but the years are short."  

Yes!  Some days are so long.

But tonight we had free passes to a Family Fun Night at The Works children's engineering museum, and Maisy was dancing around in flashing pink cowgirl boots and an oversized Dora t-shirt, with a long, curly ponytail flying behind her as she ran from place to place.  I thought, "She looks so much older tonight that I hardly recognize her!"  

The years are short. 

Tucker is almost one year old!  He is an absolute joy.  By this point in Maisy's year, I had dedicated many a blog post to her, and I don't think Tucker has had any (unless you count the Poop post, poor guy!).  Maybe I'm too busy chasing him from cabinet to outlet to toilet!  As Maisy would put it, "I love him so much I can't even say it!"

We got back from The Works tonight, and as Rick hustled Tucker inside for yet another diaper change, I attempted to bring Maisy in to get her ready for bed.  But there was fresh snow on the ground, and Maisy could not resist its draw.  I wish I could say that I just let her fly through it until she got cold or tired and wandered in with rosy cheeks.  Haha.  Riiiiight...  I let her go for a little while, fleetingly thinking, "cute", then I became impatient.  As she let snow slide off her mittens, I called to her again.  As she dashed around watching her footprints make a trail behind her, I called again.  And again.  Then I counted to 3, at which point I chased her down (as she laughed), hoisted her under my arm, and carried her inside.  If she wasn't tired, I was!

It's after 9 now, and both kids are tucked in.  I stumbled on this video.  Maybe you've seen it.  I teared up and remembered...

my kids are miracles.

So I sign off on this inexplicably exhausting evening with my favorite passage of scripture for tired days, and a video that made me smile through my tears.

28 

Do you not know?

    Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

    and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 

He gives strength to the weary

    and increases the power of the weak.

30 

Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

31 

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

    they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

Ward Miles - First Year from BenjaminScot on Vimeo.

A Lamp, A Light, and Dark Places

Rick brought up a good point yesterday.  He made a comment on my "Oh, Poop" blog post about how blessed we are.  You can see how lucky I am to have him!  He was the one fishing Tucker and toys out of the insulted tub, and watching diarrhea make a sloooooow descent down a drain that chose quite a moment to show its true clogged colors, and cleaning the tub later with Maisy trying to barge through the door to watch in fascination... but he turned around and said how blessed we are.

And it's true.  Even if every one of Tucker's diapers is dirty today, and we're 3 for 3 so far, it's true. It can be an overwhelming time, but I know we're in a good place right now, and I'm thankful for that.  I know we've come out of darker times, and I know that there will be darker times unknown yet to come.  So this place, this place of 3-year-old mood swings and dirty dishes-laundry-diapers-everything, it's a good place.

I know that those of you reading this are in all different places right now.  Some of you are in a dark place.  This post is mainly for you.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see.  Hebrews 11:1

I was just a kid when I found this Bible verse, and I memorized it on the spot.  I was a worry-wart of a pre-adolescent.  I don't remember why I didn't ride the bus to school like my brothers that day, but I do remember Hebrews 11:1.  I was sitting on our piano bench, staring out the window, waiting for my friend's mom to come and pick me up.  And waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I started to worry she wasn't coming at all!  I don't remember how it happened, but somehow I picked up my Bible, and I found Hebrews 11:1.  I memorized it, right then and there, in that minor, silly child worry moment.  It became my go-to Bible verse.

...yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...  from Psalm 23

I was in college, and it was a sad time.  We'd lost a friend, unexpectedly.  And the hurt and confusion I was feeling was all tangled up with another dark time from back in high school, another tragedy.  I was home for the weekend, in my home church, and we had a guest preacher.  He preached about Psalm 23.  To be honest, I cannot remember what he said about it!  What I do remember is that he spoke right. to. me.  And I was comforted.  And I was changed.

Give us this day our daily bread.  Matthew 6:11

 During another dark time, not too long ago, I prayed the Lord's Prayer every day.  I prayed it with sincerity and with absolute desperation.  Give us this day our daily bread.  Get us through THIS day.  I'll worry about the next one later.  (If you didn't read my blog back then, and you want more details, you can look back at my post from a couple of years ago: Manna from Heaven.)

I can think of other examples now, of times when God's Word spoke right to me, in my moment, in my place.  Sometimes I was looking for it, and other times it just found me.

So if you're there today in a dark place, or some murky in-between, I'm praying for you.  On Day 10, I'm praying for you.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31  

Oh, Poop...

Sigh... I really need to start being more careful about what I say on this blog.  Last Friday, I called it an ordinary day, and then I practically set my kitchen on fire that evening!

Yesterday, I said that Tucker doesn't have dirty diapers all day long, and today?  He started before my workout alarm, and. he. never. stopped.

Poor baby.  Poor messy cribbed, leaky diapered, red-bottomed, poopin' in the tub baby.

And by the way, slow drains and diarrhea are not a good combination.  (Don't blame me for that mental image!  You chose to read a blog post with "poop" in the title, now didn't you?)

So... Day 9?  Simply praying for health, and a few clean diapers tomorrow.

Real, Round People

Day 8: Real, Round People

(Praying for self-control)

We're all round people, folks.  

Do you remember learning about fictional characters back in high school English?  I might be a little nerdier than most, so one thing I remember is the difference between round characters and flat characters.  Flat characters are two-dimensional, uncomplicated, and they don't really change.  Round characters, however, are complex, and they change throughout the course of a story.  Best of all, they're not perfect.  They do something amazing, and then they mess up.  Then they do something pretty good again.  We love them, and then we really don't like them at all, but we find ourselves rooting for them anyway.  And throughout the story, they keep right on changing.  I love a well-developed round character.  

And we're all round people.  We don't have it all together.  We do great things!  And we make all kinds of mistakes.  (And isn't that why we need a Savior?)  

I'm as round as anyone else, and that's what this 30-day challenge is about.  To tell you the truth, I consider myself to be a pretty okay mom, most of the time.  I don't yell at my child all the time; in fact, I've gone 7+ straight days without yelling once!  ;)  But I DO mess up, and I can get stuck in a rut.  And since I'm round, I think I can still change my story.  

My 3-year-old daughter is not constantly whining or tantruming, but is actually a really funny, loving, cheerful, and spirited little girl.  And my baby doesn't have dirty diapers every minute of the day, nor does he spend all his time playing in the toilet or throwing pots and pans down HARD onto the kitchen floor (although he might, if given the chance).  

We're real people.  We're all round characters.  And when you talk as much as I do, or as much as Maisy does, self-control can be extra hard to attain.  James 3 has a lot to say about this, too.  I like the way it is phrased in The Message:

When You Open Your Mouth

   Don't be in any rush to become a teacher, my friends.  Teaching is highly responsible work. Teachers are held to the strictest standards.  And none of us is perfectly qualified.  We get it wrong nearly every time we open our mouths.  If you could find someone whose speech was perfectly true, you'd have a perfect person, in perfect control of life.  

   A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse.  A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds.  A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything -- or destroy it!

   It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire.  A careless or wrong placed word out of your mouth can do that.  By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony into chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

  This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue -- it's never been done.  The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer.  With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image.  Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

  My friends, this can't go on.  A spring doesn't gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it?  Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they?  Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they?  You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you? 

Live Well, Live Wisely

Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom?  Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly.  It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts.  Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom.  Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom -- it's animal cunning, devilish cunning.  Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats.

   Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others.  It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced.  You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy the results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor. 

We're not perfect people.  I'm far from perfect.  But we're round people, so we can try to change.  I can try to tame my tongue and do the hard work that James is talking about.  And all the while, I'm thankful for my forgiving, loving God.  

You Respond: 7 Words for the 7th Day

It's the 7th day of the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge, and I want to try something different.  I'd like to challenge YOU.  If you've been participating in the Challenge or just reading my posts from time to time out of curiosity, I'd like to hear from you!

Don't worry; I'm not asking much: Just 7 words for the 7th day.  I'll even give you 7 ideas, one idea based on each day.  Pick one, and add your comment below in 7 words or less!

Day 1: I prayed for more patience.  I committed to try to make it 30 days without losing my temper and yelling, especially at my 3-year-old daughter.

7-Word Idea #1: Does this Keep-Your-Cool Challenge ring true for you?  Tell how or why.

Day 2: I prayed specifically for love on Day 2.  I sought to extend grace to my daughter, who is only three years old after all.  I explained my tendency to let "the wrongs" build up, so that I lose my temper more easily than I should over minor frustrations.

7-Word Idea #2: "Love keeps no record of wrongs" comes from 1 Corinthians 13: What part of 1 Corinthians 13 is hitting home for you?

Day 3:  JOY.

7-Word Idea #3: What about your child or other significant person in your life brings you joy?

Day 4: The enemy of peace.  For me, the enemy of peace in my life is busy-ness and screen time/background noise.

7-Word Idea #4: What's the enemy of peace in your life right now?  Or, how are you fighting back?

Day 5:  On Friday, I had "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in my head all day.  All day long, I was reminded of times in my life when God has been faithful.

7-Day Idea #5:  When have you seen God's faithfulness in your life?

Day 6: Speaking of faithfulness... my I Heart Baking Soda story was really just one more example of God being faithful in my life.  And it was also kind of a funny story.

7-Day Idea #6: Tell me a story.

Day 7: That's today!

7-Day Idea #7: Your choice. I'd just love to hear from you. :) 

I Heart Baking Soda

Well, I screamed yesterday.  But I don't think it counts.  Read on and see why:

Remember my post yesterday?  About my "ordinary" day?  Ha!

So there I was, in the kitchen... 

Maisy watching Doc McStuffins on the couch while I made supper...

Tucker in his high chair, rejecting dry cereal and squawking for more attention... 

Snickerdoodles on cooling racks, occasionally being checked for quality...

Cookie dough on baking sheets, ready to go in the oven...

Counter tops covered with cooling racks, baking sheets, flour and bowls and measuring cups...

Dinner in the oven...

Peas in the steamer on the back burner...

Clock ticking away the time until Rick and I are due to leave this crazy kitchen to hang out with adult friends for the night...

Rick walks in the door.

I hear a POOF behind me!

Shooting flames from the front burner!

I scream!

"AGGHHHH!!!!!!  FIRE!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!! FIRE!!!!!!!"

HUGE flames!!!!

I dart for the fire extinguisher.  I think, "I don't know how to use this thing."  Rick says, "Where's the baking soda??"  I think, "Did I put it away after I made the cookies?" 

I check.  I did. I grab. I dump.

Flames going out.  Smoke detectors screeching.  Tucker screeching.  Maisy calming looking on from the couch, fingers in her ears.  Smoke billowing.  Heart pounding.  

I heart baking soda.

The moral of the story is this: Know where your baking soda is.  OR just don't set a plastic microwave splatter cover onto the front burner, then start the back burner, except you actually start the front burner by mistake.

And that was my "ordinary" day.     

(It's Day 6, Friends.  Don't set your kitchens on fire.)

Challenge Day 5: I am Tired; God is Faithful

I woke up exhausted this morning.  Rick plays basketball early (read: crazy early) on Friday mornings, so I knew it was going to be all me this morning.  I think that made me even more tired.  As I've been doing all this week, the first thing I did was pray.  Except this morning, I literally fell asleep... multiple times.  A song came to mind, so instead of praying words, I ended up singing it in my head:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee,

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not,

As Thou hast been,Thou forever wilt be.

Refrain:

Great is Thy faithfulness!

Great is Thy faithfulness! 

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above;

Join with all nature in manifold witness,

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy, and love.

(Refrain)

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own great presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

(Refrain)

I didn't really grow up in a "hymn church", although my church now sings many of them. Yet this song came to mind. I knew the first verse, the refrain, and part of the second verse, at which point the song in my head would loop right back up to the refrain. But reading all the lyrics now, I love how the song ends. It's what I needed this tired morning, to keep me from turning into a crabby mommy: Thine own great presence to cheer and to guide; Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow.

Day 5: Since God provided THEN...
So "Great is Thy Faithfulness" has been running through my head all day, a very ordinary day. And I found myself remembering all of the times that God was faithful, and thinking, "Since God provided THEN, I know I can count on Him NOW, in this very ordinary day."

Remembering:

As a high schooler, I once spun out on the highway on the way to a before-school activity. I ended up with my car facing the wrong way towards the ditch. I was scared. A neighbor I had never even met stopped and had a cell phone, and I called my dad to come and get me. Since God provided THEN...

When I first moved to the Twin Cities, I was a summer nanny, and I hadn't had the opportunity to make any friends yet. One Friday evening, I got bored and lonely enough to trust a college friend, and I cold-called the people she had been friends with the summer before. One became a friend, then a great friend, and he is now my best friend and my husband. Since God provided THEN...

My labor was 40+ hours from the start of my contractions, and the last few hours were painful and panic-stricken like I could never have imagined. But I made it through, and there she was: My firstborn child, just right, my own little Maisy. Since God provided THEN...

It was our 10-year-old foster daughter's first huge, prolonged meltdown, starting around mid-morning and lasting on through the afternoon. Calls to our workers went unanswered, and Rick and I stared at each other, not knowing what to do, truly not knowing how we'd make it through that day. We heard a knock at the door, and it was our neighbor with tickets to a play that night and an invitation for our foster children to attend with her. Since God provided THEN...

It was the darkest night of my life. Our 12-year-old foster son's emotions and behavior had reached a tipping point. He held a hammer in his hand, looked at us with wild eyes, and told us he couldn't control himself anymore. We went to the ER, where the night only grew darker. Hours later, we all returned home - together. Since God provided THEN...

I can think of many more moments in my life to this point when God has provided, including the birth of Tucker, my sweet, funny, chubby baby boy. 

 Since God provided THEN, through moments happy, scary, sad, lonely, joyful, bright, and dark... I know I can depend on Him in this day, as extraordinary or ordinary as it may be.

It's no surprise or coincidence that in my Bible reading plan today I encountered Psalm 118:1-18, which begins like this:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

Let all Israel repeat:
"His faithful love endures forever."

Let Aaron's descendants, the priests, repeat:
"His faithful love endures forever."

Let all who fear the Lord repeat:
"His faithful love endures forever."

In my distress I prayed to the Lord,
and the Lord answered me and set me free.

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.
What can mere people do to me?

Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me.

Challenge Day 4: The Enemy of Peace

What would you say is the enemy of peace? I thought about this as I prepared for Day 4 of the Keep-Your-Cool Challenge.

Busy, for sure. Too many activities, too many reasons to bundle kids up and buckle kids in. And the more I have to rush, to bundle, to buckle, the less peace I feel within. And that frustration tolerance thermometer I talked about on Day 2? I jump from green to yellow to orange and sometimes red so quickly.  Normal dawdling (and incredible Maisy dawdling), and last-minute dirty diapers, and realizing I haven't let the dog out yet - when all mixed up with the "to-do list" spinning around in the back of my head - these minor events can become a big deal. Busy is an enemy of peace.

Screens.  TVs, smart phones, laptops, tablets.  Even the radio, screen-less though it may be.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I'm so easily distracted by my phone.  I'll check for missed calls or texts, or quickly check my email, as if a message could be so important that it can't wait for me to refill my daughter's milk cup first.  If my kids are both napping, I'll flip on the TV and have it on as background noise as I wash dishes or do homework or prepare for ELL or whatever.  What is so wrong with quiet?  

But I do it all the time.  (I do try to keep the TV off when my kids are up and wandering around, in large part because my little girl is magnetically attracted to TV, so if it's on, whatever the show, she's glued.  That's a whole other story though.)  I've been really working on keeping my smartphone somewhere out of sight when I'm spending time with my kiddos.  It's a work in progress.  But what about when they're asleep?  I wonder what I'm missing out on by keeping my eyes and ears filled with meaningless background noise during times that could be filled with quiet, with more peace.  A still, small voice...?

32 “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered,each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:32-33

Day 4: Pray for Peace

Day 4: "Am I too busy?"  
The answer to this is easy: I know I am.  It's nothing to be proud of, although our society seems to hold "busy-ness" in high regard. I'm trying to be more careful before I add activities these days, whether for myself or my kids.  There are so many fun and worthwhile kids activities, but we can't and shouldn't do all of them.  Is there something else I can eliminate from our schedule?  Or something I should be careful NOT to add?

Day 4: Unplug
Confession: I had Twin Cities Live on my TV in the background while I was typing about screens being the enemy of peace.  Ha!  Point made.  I've turned it off now.  Check!  I've hidden my smartphone from sight most of the morning.  Check!  I'm not saying to go extreme and go completely electronics-free here (but feel free to try, and let me know how it goes.)  But maybe just pick one time of day to choose quiet over background noise, focus over smartphone distraction.

Maisyism of the Day:
Maisy wanted to wear a new headband she got from her grandma today.  After I put it on, she said, "No Mama, pull it down onto my forehead.  I want to look like one of Jesus' disciples."  Here she is!  What Jesus' disciples might have looked like wearing lime green:

24 

“‘“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 

the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 

the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’  

Numbers 6:24-26

PEACE.

KYC Challenge Day 3: A little post about JOY

I was reminded this morning that 3 is 3.  My goal today was to focus on joy - always patience, too, of course - but joy was my aim.  So I'd prayed about it this morning.  I'd been thinking about it as I went through the motions of the day.  I made attempts to notice the things about my children that bring my joy: Maisy padding across the living room with her tousled hair, grinning at me in her nightgown, clutching her "snugglers", fresh from her night's sleep.  Tucker concentrating deeply on balancing a pink tin toy plate on top of the dusty bottom of the angel food cake pan he had dragged out of a cabinet.  Joy in my children, in the little everyday things.

I kept my cool all morning!  After all, this is Day 3.  I can still do this.  Yet when it came time for Maisy to pull on her shoes and coat for preschool, she had a total meltdown!  One of those no-apparent-reason-for-tears, runny nose, raised voice tantrums that can set me off, especially (as in today) when we are running late.  But I remained calm - yay!

Then - oh, the injustice - as I buckled Maisy into her car seat, she accused me of being mean to her this morning.  What?!  At first, I verbally disagreed, as if telling her that "no, I wasn't mean" was going to have any kind of effect on her 3-year-old state of mind.  As if she would stop and say "You're right, Mommy, actually you've been quite nice in spite of my crabbiness."  ;)  Luckily, I quickly realized the road I was going down, and I stopped myself.  (I don't always manage this.)  I turned off the radio and put on a CD she likes, and within 2 minutes, she was giggling at a song and telling me I was a funny mommy.  Oh, three!

It's a reminder of why I'm doing this though: Not to change HER behavior necessarily (though that would be a nice side effect), but to change my own behavior.  A 3-year-old's emotions are clearly out of my control, but I can try to control my own.

So here we are, Day 3, and today is all about Joy, regardless!

Joy. Joy instead of anger sounds pretty good, right?  One of the fruits of the Spirit is JOY.  Not happiness.  Happiness is like ice cream.  It's delicious, but it lasts only until it's been eaten or it melts.  In my house, it melts when we've busted out the ice cream prematurely thinking both kids are asleep.  So we're celebrating this one hour of shared freedom in our day, and then Tucker starts bawling, or Maisy tiptoes into the room and peeks over the edge of the couch.  I want you to know that we eat the ice cream anyway, even after it has melted.  Because we believe in happiness.

But JOY.  Joy comes straight from the Lord.  (Well, so does ice cream.)

Psalm 5:11

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you

I love this verse.  So many promises!  We can take refuge in the Lord, sing for joy, and God will spread his protection over us.  We can rejoice in Him!

Day 3: Start with Praise... and Pray for Joy Today

Day 3: Rediscover Joy in my Children
What about my children brings me joy?  Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day that I don't see it.  It was easier for me when they were tiny, warm little bundles, brand new life, straight from God and into my arms.  When my babies were literally curled up next to my heart, joy was inevitable.  Diaper blowouts were inevitable too, the really messy kind, and some pretty sleep-deprived nights, but I'll never forget the joy of holding my newborn babies.

It's different now, the joy stuff, but still there.  I just forget to notice sometimes.

So today I'm going to look for it and maybe even write it down, the joy my children bring me, so that I can see the good in them today.  I think if I'm looking for the joy, it's going to be easier to overlook some of the other stuff.  I could even write it down on a special note, and read it to Maisy, a reason she brings me joy.

Day 3: Laugh
I saw this video on Facebook yesterday and laughed out loud.  I think it fits well here.  I hope it makes you laugh too:

Keep-Your-Cool Challenge Day 2: Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Yesterday was Day 1 in my 30-day quest to fight back against the habit of angry words and voices that had crept into my mornings and other parts of my days.  I prayed for patience with my 3-year-old.  I paid less attention to the clock, and more attention to controlling my reactions to it.  And I celebrated with Maisy when we made it to the car without raising our voices.  Throughout the day, I was mindful of the volume of my voice and the burning in my chest when I felt myself running out of my store of patience, and I made it through Day 1.  And it felt pretty good!

Day 2: Start with Prayer... for Love

Today is Day 2, and I was pulled back again to the fruit of the Spirit, and this time, to Love.  I reread 1 Corinthians 13, that much-invited wedding ceremony guest, and I read it with a focus on my goal: Less anger, more calm.  Here’s what I read:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Patient again!  That’s good.  I can never have too much of that!  But it goes beyond patience. 

Day 2: Extend Unmerited Kindness

Kindness, yes.  That I can apply.  The kind of “grace”-kindness that a mentor mom spoke about at MOPS today, that “unmerited favor” that we receive from God, and need to strive to pass on to others.  For instance, extending grace to my daughter when her voice is whiiiiiiining and my ears physically hurt.  Favor and kindness, even when I’d rather plug my ears or repeat the screechy sounds back to her, as if that helps (Um no, it doesn’t help.  Tried that before.  Bad idea.). 

Unmerited kindness.  Kindness because I love her, even if kindness didn’t mean she’d pull her head up from under the covers so I could brush her hair this morning.  Kindness just because I love her.  Kindness didn’t stop her from refusing to have her hair brushed, and didn’t stop the natural consequence of me walking away to brush my own hair since she wasn’t ready, which didn’t stop her from slamming herself into her room when she decided she was ready “RIGHT NOW!”  Kindness didn’t stop those things, but my voice stayed calm, my anger stayed low, and my 3-year-old chilled out in her room while I dried my hair, and then brought me her hairbrush with a smile.  It always works out that well, right?  ;)

Day 2: Try Something Different

I used to do this all the time when I was a teacher of students with challenging behaviors: Try something different.  When a routine or a strategy or a whatever stops working, then switch it up.  For some reason, I hadn’t applied this to our morning routine, which clearly has not been working. 

Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair.  Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. Breakfast-potty-brush teeth-get dressed-brush hair. 

We’ve done it this way for as long as I can remember.  Sure, I’ve tried sticker charts, time outs, setting a timer and dangling a reward (TV time), threatening that we’re going to be late (haha).  But I’ve never really considered changing the routine itself. 

So today I tried it.  And I’ll admit that Maisy kind of freaked out at first when I told her we were going to try going potty BEFORE breakfast.  Giving her some warning the night before might have helped.  But I offered to go with her to the potty, to help her, and she ended up trotting off with me.  I had her get dressed right away after that, reminding her that I’d pour her cereal next (It certainly didn’t hurt my cause that we have Lucky Charms in the house).  And voila!  Potty, check!  Get dressed, check!  Half her morning “to-do” list done before she even sat down at the table. 

We tried something different.

Day 2: “Love…. Keeps No Record of Wrongs”

Here’s a tough one for me.  I have a good visceral memory.  The “wrongs” sometimes build up in my chest from one moment, one hour, one day to the next.  I remember this VERY clearly from when we had the big kids with us.  Instead of my frustration level starting again at zero on each new day, or for each new “behavior”, I’d be starting somewhere much higher. 

If you visualize a thermometer with green, yellow, orange, and red levels reaching from bottom to top, I’d be starting somewhere between yellow and orange before the day had even started.  It’s not necessarily that extreme with Maisy, but still, sometimes I can jump to boiling red so much faster than I should for some small misdemeanor.  It’s because something inside of me is keeping a visceral record of wrongs, or maybe because I’m too busy or distracted, or because I’m too tired.  Whatever the reason, I need to find ways (A break, big or small? Some serious deep breaths? Mindfulness of it? Prayer before, during, and after?) to bring my “Record of Wrongs” meter back to the green zone.  Because it’s fair to my kiddos, it’s actually better for my health, and because that’s what 1 Corinthians 13 is talking about.   

And by the way, I think we can extend ourselves a bit of that same grace, and lack of record-keeping.  So if we mess up and blow up, we get to start back at “green” too.  

30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge: Day 1

I yell, and I don't like it.  It's worse now than ever now that my 3-year-old dawdler - I mean, daughter - is capable of doing a lot of things independently.  However, if left to her own devices, she would probably still be standing in front of the sink without feeling any urgency to turn on the water.  

This dawdling side is nothing new!  I remember when Maisy was in gymnastics as a very young two-year-old, and the teacher would laugh at her no-hurry, take-the-long-way, stop-and-lay-on-the-mat-for-no-apparent-reason personality.  It IS funny!  Except when we have to be somewhere.  Or when I just want to move on with my day instead of waiting hours for Maisy to pull up her pants after going potty so that I can help her brush her teeth.  This potty-teeth-get dressed-brush hair routine can take FOR-EV-ER.  And it's daily.  So my patience stretches and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s and s--t--r--e--t--c--h--e--s and then I snap, and I yell.  

I do Mad Mental Math: We've been doing this for 45 minutes.  It's 8:37 and we need to load up the van by 8:45.  I've asked her to put her left sock on 6 times.  I turn into a calculator, adding numbers into my head while I wait for my little girl to find a sense of urgency that doesn't exist, and all the while the kindness subtracts from my voice, and then my anger multiplies, and I yell.

Proverbs 15:1  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

When I resort to harsh words, it stirs up Maisy's anger, and pretty soon we're both upset.  Whatever is supposed to be happening gets delayed, and we're both reacting in anger.  Pointless, right?  But so challenging!  So this is what I've been battling with lately, truly battling. 

I've decided to change.  I feel convicted to change.  So here we go, the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge (cool, in honor of this chilly 25-degree morning).

My Day 1:  

Start with Prayer.  I prayed about it this morning before Maisy was even awake.  I asked God for extended patience for my little girl.  The fruit of the Spirit, right?  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Right on!  I needed to pray first.  I need to keep praying, so that the fruit of the Spirit can flow right out from me, starting in my own home.  

Be Willing to Be Late.  This morning, I decided that being a few minutes late would be worth it.  Leaving at 8:52 instead of 8:45 would be okay if it meant that we left the house without leaving behind us an echo of angry voices.  And guess what?  Maisy was still on time for preschool - just not a few minutes early like we usually are.  Even better, she was even brighter and shinier than usual, stopping to greet the school director with a cheery "hey there!" (haha), and exclaiming, "Good morning, Mrs. Gatz!" with extra cheer when we arrived at her classroom.  

Celebrate.  As we drove to school today, I told Maisy, "Thumbs up, Maisy!  No one got upset this morning.  Thumbs up for Mommy and Maisy!"  "Yeah!" said my sweet little dawdler.  I mean "daughter." ;)

"Thumbs up, Buttercup."  Maisy giggled.

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Do you hear an edge to your voice that you don't like?  Does your volume get turned up too loud?  Do you sense that an occasional outburst is on verge of becoming a cycle of short tempers?  It's the 30-Day Keep-Your-Cool Challenge.  I'll probably blow it sometimes.  There's no such thing as a perfect parent, right?  I just want this to be my number one goal for the next 30 days.  I want to build better habits, starting now.  I want to be a good example for my kids as they grow.  I can do better, starting now.